Lullabies To You
by zooz
Summary: Joick/Jovin Sometimes love can be the thing that breaks you. And other times...it puts you back together. Three-Shot
1. Chapter 1

_**Part 1 Of 3;**_

_He was floating. He felt intangible; unstoppable; bulletproof; and the oddest of all: invulnerable; like a miscreant who eluded penance after a murder, or a teen slithering out past curfew. It was an outer body experience, and had anyone asked him, he would deny any of it had happened. After all, it was Nick. His Nick. The one man who had been his rock for years. Years ago, he'd reached for Joe's small, shaking hands and calmed Joe's entire state of mind, and at the same time, provoked unfamiliar sparks to fly through his body until he was sure the fire had sent him flying through the air._

That was it. He was flying. There was no other explanation for his weightless feeling. Was he dreaming? He'd flown before in his dreams. He'd be standing on the edge of a steep cliff, nothing below but a vast ocean and jagged rocks. He'd lift up on the soles of his bare feet, and he'd float right above the water, almost as if strings carried him across. The wind would blow gently into his face, and his clothes always seemed non-existent. The sweet smell of pine and salt covered his senses and lifted him up...up...up. He never looked down, but his one mistake was constant. He'd start wondering just how he was able to fly, and suddenly he was falling, faster and faster until an earth-shattering shiver ran through his spine and awoke him.

But this wasn't that dream...he couldn't necessarily see anything besides a white light, endless and almost luminescent. Now, someone was shaking him, and the light was becoming fuzzy, interchanging between black and gray. He opened his eyes, finding himself staring into brown eyes.

"Nick..." he whispered, his voice thick with sleep and sex.

Nick gave a small smile, almost leering near sad, and reached a timid hand to brush hair out of Joe's eyes.

"Sorry...I shouldn't have done that. Go back to bed." Nick stood, grabbing his shirt off a remote corner of the room. He kept his back to Joe, slipping the shirt on easily. Joe could only keep his eyes on Nick. He pulled the bed sheets higher up his body.

"Nick?"

Nick turned slowly, as if it hurt too much to look at Joe. Their eyes met, unspoken words slipping between them.

Do you regret it?

Do you wish it was with someone else?

Did you mean what you said?

Did you say what you meant?

Joe gulped, his nerves taking the best of him. "Are you leaving?"

Nick scratched his head. "Yeah, I've got some...stuff to take care of."

"Oh..." Joe looked away, and then glanced up when he felt Nick walking towards him. He, sat on the bed, and once again, those timid hands reached towards Joe, this time traveling from the soft base of his neck. His fingers circled around to the front of his neck, where a necklace laid right above Joe's heart. Nick leaned forward, his hands grasping at Joe's arms. He placed his head on Joe's chest, and Joe's heart could only race faster.

"Nick," he whispered.

"Shhh...Don't speak." The response came quietly, followed by the sound of Nick inhaling deeply. He placed a kiss on the locket before lifting it. He kissed the area shielding Joe's heart. Once, twice, three times; each time harder than the next.

"Don't forget...okay?" he whispered gently.

"Forget what, Nick?"

Nick finally lifted his head, giving Joe only a few seconds to glance at his teary eyes. For those few seconds, Joe noticed the way Nick's eyes seemed to crash and bleed water.

"I'll see you later. Okay, Joe?"

Joe could only nod. Nick turned back once more, giving Joe that same sad smile, and Joe's heart flew up...up...straight into his throat. This goodbye felt almost...final. He felt as though someone had tied his neck shut, preventing him from saying anything meaningful.

I like you...I always have...

I love you...I always will...

I feel like you're leaving me...

And a part of me would die if you did...

Nick gave a partial wave and Joe could only hope that Nick would return.  
____________________

He was falling. He felt transparent; defeated; like a bullet had run through his soul. Rain beat against his skin, one after the other in the loudest imitation of drums. On another day, he might have welcomed the water drops with open arms, but today the rude crystals only added to the depressing atmosphere. His grandmother had once told him that when it rained, God was mourning a death. In a way, this was a death, right? He looked up, his hair covering his eyes. He flipped his head until he could see the dark, cloudless sky above him before continuing walking; his shoes too heavy for his body. But for whatever reason he didn't care; not about his wet shoes, or the soaked clothes that clung to his body. After all...he was 20 years old and roaming the streets like a beggar. Except, unlike a beggar, he didn't know what he wanted, or for that matter, what he needed.

He blinked water out of his eyes. Or maybe they were tears? Whatever they were, they clouded his vision, adding to how lost he felt. Where was he going? Where could he go?

He shook his head. In this case, only one place made sense. He began running, purposely stepping in huge puddles; accepting the shock as punishment for being so trusting. Cold water seeped through his pants and shoes, effortlessly flooding them.

_Are you happy now, Nick? Now that you've screwed me over?_

He finally arrived at his destination: a small graveyard, tombstones spread strategically through it. He walked, dodging until he reached his second euphoria. He knelt before the tomb, wet soil digging into his fingernails, his clothes, until he felt like they had merged with him. His tears ran faster. Was gravity against him too?

Images flashed through his head like a screenplay: Nick, fighting him over the remote; covering his eyes for a surprise dinner. Nick, shy and bashful, smiling at him, and seconds later, wiping away his tears. Nick, handing him an engraved locket while wearing one of his many stupid plaid shirts. Nick teasing Joe's own striped shirts. Nick, kissing his chest, once twice, three times, each time harder than before. No matter what, everything revolved around Nick. But why? Why the hell couldn't he think of anything else?

He shook his head again, a bitter smile tickling his face. "In the end, I just wasn't enough for you, was I? Maybe I was never good enough..."

Pain struck through his chest. The thoughts kept coming now, unfiltered. All words and voices he'd made himself deaf against.

_'You just use people for fun.'_

_'You disgust me...'_

_'You don't deserve happiness...'_

_'You deserve ever bit of misery you'll get in life...'_

_'Slut...'_

_'Whore...'_

_'He deserves better than you...'_

_'Everyone does...'_

His hands flew to his head. "I know! I KNOW!! Stop, please," he shouted. "Get out of my head, please..."

Was it possible to drown from tears? Or misery? Or a mixture of both?

He reached out, his fingers tracing the cool tomb before him. Every letter, every indent...all things he had memorized. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I did it again..." He let out a sob. His chest felt too small, his heart too large, and he was falling. Faster and faster and faster...

"Excuse me," came a voice. Joe jumped, shaken out of his meditation. He turned, finding himself looking up at a boy, an umbrella covering his body.

"Are you alright?" the boy asked.

Joe's eyes widened with confusion, and suddenly he realized the boy's motives. He narrowed his eyes, glaring at the boy. "Pick up someone else, pervert!" He whipped around, closing his arms around himself. He wished he could leave. He wanted to change his name, his hair color, and start all over. Disappear to a warm, sunny beach far away. He could spend his days sunbathing, eating coconuts and maybe he'd even try surfing with Nick. Wait...Nick.

"I'm sorry." The voice interrupted his thoughts again, and he turned back, ready to displace his ferocious anger into the stranger. He noticed the boy's small smile, sad and reminiscent of...Nick. Joe gulped, and all his previous anger quickly crumbled.

The stranger looked around, his eyes focusing on an area past Joe's head.

"It's just...I've been in your spot before. My daughter is here," he said softly. He gulped, taking a deep breath. "She was only eight when she left."

He shifted, his eyes drifting to Joe. The small smile reappeared. "She was a pretty thing. Always smiling, always talking--sometimes too much, mind you. Don't know where she got it from." He winked, and Joe found himself smiling slightly. "She loved people. Meeting them, making them smile. When everyone was happy, so was she. Granted, some people tried to take advantage of that...but either way, she was so grateful to just be...alive." The boy choked up, a sob escaping his lips.

Joe's heart thumped, his dried tears resurfacing. "I'm so sorry."

The boy nodded, and Joe straightened his back.

"I'm serious. You must hear that a lot, but trust me; I mean it..."

The boy stared at Joe, looking at him from head to toe, before settling on Joe's eyes. He stared for a beat longer, before answering.

"Call me crazy...but I believe you."

Despite his earlier sorrow, Joe found his lips twitching upwards, a small hint of a smile, and he found himself facing away in order to hide it. "She, sort of, sound like someone I know. Or knew "

The boy cocked his head. "Were you related?"

Joe's smile disappeared. "Not really. But he meant a lot to me. Maybe he still does." They were quiet, the only sound coming from a distance; birds chirping noisily.

"I don't do this often, you know," Joe confessed.

"Do what, exactly."

"This whole 'talking' thing--you know, about feelings and...stuff like that. Especially with strange boys."

The boy burst out laughing, and it sounded like bells to Joe. After a while, he cleared his throat. "Do you mind if I....sit?"

Joe raised his eyebrows. He found himself taking in the boy's features for the first time, and decided the guy couldn't be serious, with his expensive looking suit, and designer glasses nestled neatly over his eyes. His hazel eyes, and his messy, brown curly hair.

Joe looked around the deserted graveyard. The chirping became louder, and he glanced up. Dozens of sparrows flew above him, the purple sky molding with their feathers. Joe crinkled his brow. Just when had it stopped raining? Joe found it too much of a coincidence not to be a sign. He glanced back at the stranger, standing...waiting as though Joe were his lifeline. The thought made him smile, and it was because of this, that Joe found himself nodding.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Part 2 Of 3;_**

The boy's presence brought Joe a sense of safety. They probably looked goofy; two boys sitting cross legged in front of a tombstone...but Joe was happy just to have a person beside him.

The boy took a deep breath before exhaling slowly.

"So what's your name....?"

"Joe. Joe Snyder."

"Joe Snyder...I like it," The boy winked and Joe found himself warming inside.

"I...I don't have anywhere else to go."

"So you go to a cemetery?"

Joe turned to the boy, before returning his glance to the tomb in front of him. "I come here...when I need to talk to someone." His fingers danced across the tomb.

"Why not talk to a person?"

Joe paused, sadness overwhelming him. "I don't have anyone else...She's my everything," he said softly as he chanced a glimpse at the boy. "Just like your daughter was your everything..."

"--Is," the boy interrupted. Joe nodded.

"I don't remember much about her. But just the fact that she's here, even if she's not here, makes me so happy. Does that make sense?"

The boy chuckled. "Surprisingly, it does. Sometimes it just helps to know someone is there, even if they can't necessarily hear you..."

"Yeah," Joe said. "Exactly. And it's terrifying. When you only have one person you can depend on…"

"Can I tell you something, Joe?"

"Sure."

"Do you promise not to laugh?"

Joe cocked his head to the side, pursing his lips. "No guarantees."

The boy shifted his weight. "When I was younger, I had a dog that I always confessed my issues to. She was, if I'm being honest, my best friend. I simply didn't trust anyone else."

Joe smiled. "It's a lot easier to trust something that can't talk back, isn't it?" he said. He looked up to find the boy staring intently at him.

"What?" he asked quietly.

"...Let me ask you something, Joe. What do you think she'd say about you, if she were here?"

"What would she say..." Joe turned away. "What kind of question is that for a complete stranger?"

The boy laughed, the sound shooting straight to Joe's heart. "Well, nothing else we've talked about has been conventional, now has it?"

Joe smiled, slowly and freely. He glanced down. "I think...She would be really disappointed in me. And I hate that." The boy said nothing, and Joe glanced up. "All this time, for years now, I did everything in my power to hurt him...I thought I was... But it turns out I hurt everyone I love."

The boy moved even closer. "What would you say to them?" He asked softly.

Joe instantly stiffened. "Who," he inquired.

"Them. Everyone you've ever hurt, either purposely or inadvertently…If they were here, what would you say?"

Joe pulled his knees to his chest. "I…" He shut his eyes tight, hoping to force the defiant tears away.

"Its okay, Joe." The boy's hand slowly reached towards him, landing perceptively on the small of Joe's back.

Is it really okay though? The tears fell freely now, and Joe took a deep breath, struggling to find the words.

"I...I would tell them that I'm sorry…" he glanced at the boy beside him. The boy only stared, quietly encouraging Joe to continue. In the steady gaze, Joe found bewildering courage.

"I'd tell them…I'm sorry for being so stupid and careless and selfish…" His tears threatened to choke him, but he took a deep breath, fighting through it. "I need them so much more than I ever told them, and they deserve better than me…but I love them…But they don't know that…"

He was near sobbing now, and he buried his head in his knees. "I'm so stupid and careless and--"

"—you already said that," the boy interrupted calmly. He pulled Joe closer, but Joe wretched away, his burning eyes meeting the boy's stable gaze. He took an unsteady breath, glancing down again.

"I hate this," he whispered, curling deeper into himself.

"Hate what?" the boy asked softly, and Joe felt him shuffle closer.

Joe looked up, finding himself face to face with the second most beautiful pair of eyes he'd ever seen. "This," he whispered. The boy's hand rose to Joe's head, gently gliding down Joe's cheek.

"This, what?"

"This...being seen crying....Only one person in the world's seen me cry."

The boy paused in his attempt to smooth away Joe's tears. "It's rather subjective, isn't it?

"What is?"

"Does it take more strength to allow others to see your vulnerability…or to garner it all inside?" His fingers lightly danced on Joe's cheek.

"You sound like him," Joe confessed quietly.

"Like who?"

Joe's eyes widened, and he pulled away slightly. "No one special…" He crossed his arms, feeling a light blush tickle his face. He gazed up quickly, noting the boy's face hardening slightly.

"Did you love him?" The boy suddenly seemed to be overtaken by unhappiness and exhaustion. Joe opened his mouth, before immediately shutting it.

"Yeah, I did; Maybe too much." Joe could feel the tenseness of the air increasing. The boy cleared his throat.

"Joe, would you rather I left now? Apparently, you don't feel comfortable revealing so much to a stranger and—"

"—No," Joe stated.

"No, what?"

"No. I don't want you to leave."

The boy's eyes widened in astonishment, and he nervously began pulling at his collar. "And why not?"

"Because. I hate being alone more than anything else..." Joe's voice cracked, and he felt like at the moment, so did his heart. In his head, he imagined the earth doing the same, opening and inadvertently sucking him in.

"Would anyone do then, Joe?" The boy looked down and tapped his fingers against his pant leg, and suddenly, Joe felt as though someone was tugging at his heartstrings.

Please let go…

"No…" Joe said faintly. His brain felt too slow, catching onto the words a moment too late.

"Does it really help that I'm here?" The boy asked. Joe's eyes widened and he bit his lip, cautiously debating his answer.

"I told you to leave before. Earlier. Remember?"

"Yeah. What changed your mind?"

Joe raised his head, and his head spun slightly. "I say, and do, a lot of things I don't mean." The boy smiled, and Joe's heart skipped a beat.

"Is that so. In that case, what did you mean?"

Joe gulped. "I wanted you to stay from the beginning. I still do."

The boy smiled, his warm hazel eyes dancing.

Joe could only look away. "You're wrong." He said. The boy grasped Joe's head, turning him.

"About what?" The boy asked.

Joe gulped. "You think that I do this a lot, and you're wrong…"

"Do what? You already told me you don't do the 'talking' thing."

"No, I mean...Let strange boys touch me and be with me." The boy's eyes widened, his hands dropping from Joe's face.

"You do, don't you..." Joe whispered.

The boy shook his head fervently, reaching out to touch Joe before retreating back. "I never said that Joe..."

Joe pulled away heatedly. "You did! You said so yourself. 'Anyone would do.' Maybe, maybe in the past, that was true but not anymore. I'm different." Joe bit his lip, nervously hugging himself before peering up, feeling the heat of two forests staring at him. "I am."

"I believe you, Joe. And whether or not that's true; I have no right to judge you." He leaned closer, his warm breath inviting Joe closer.

Joe shut his eyes tightly. "I'm not a virgin!" He blurted out, opening his eyes. He felt his face flushing.

The boy shrugged, and suddenly he seemed ten years older. "Neither am I."

Joe turned away. "Do you...do you regret that?" It was no longer raining, but it seemed like it just dropped 10 degrees. Or maybe it was just his body playing tricks again.

The boy inhaled. "I regret a lot of things, Joe."

Joe cleared his throat. "I...I wish I still was one," he admitted faintly. His head began spinning. Or maybe it was just his world. He ran his hands over the rough dirt, tracing the words J&N into the soil. His hands instinctively rose to clasp the necklace around his neck. It was still there, pulsing over his own heart. He took a deep, chilling breath.

"I've...I've been called heartless before..." Joe whispered. The boy turned Joe's face, his eyes piercing their way through Joe.

"And I've been called selfish," he whispered back.

Joe gulped. "My first impressions....They usually suck, but if you were really selfish...you wouldn't have stayed with me."

The boy's eyes gleamed, glittering under the kaleidoscope sky. "I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, Joe. One of the biggest being the day I said 'I do' to a woman I never loved. I've always wondered how my life would be if I'd been brave enough to admit the truth. On one hand, I wouldn't have had Liz and so many hearts wouldn't have broken...I mean, was having Liz really worth it if she was going to be taken away from me in the end?"

He took a deep breath, tears shattering his clear eyes. "You're a brave man, Joe. It doesn't need a brain surgeon to comprehend that." The boy's hands rose to Joe's cheeks again, floating down to rest above his heart. "...And no one truly heartless would have a heart that beats so wildly. So long as it beats like this...no one has the right to call you heartless."

"It's broken..." Joe whispered, as if speaking any louder would break it even more. The boy wrapped his arms around Joe until their bodies met, chest to chest, no space for even the slightest of hands to fit between them.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

"What is?" Joe murmured into the boy's coat.

"That it can be broken...and still beat so much."


	3. Chapter 3

**_Part 3 Of 3;_**

For once, he didn't know where he was. Whether he was flying or falling, crashing or dodging, he felt alive. He felt...happy. Wherever he was, it didn't matter if he was upside down, right side up, or falling up. He was alive. Wasn't he? There was warmth, wherever he was. Soft breathing...strong arms...Nick? His eyes shot open, and he realized he was in the arms of the stranger.

He pulled away gently, avoiding the boy's eyes. The boy cleared his throat, and Joe glanced up.

"Sorry...I didn't mean to fall asleep. I guess I was more tired than I thought..."

The boy smiled gently, stretching out his arms. "It's no problem at all."

They both glanced up. The sparrows were flying the opposite direction from earlier. Maybe they were flying home, where food and warmth awaited them. Joe allowed a bitter smile to grace his face. "I wish I was one of them right now," Joe confessed. He turned to the stranger. The boy's eyes met his before darting away.

"Joe? You do have a home to return to, don't you?"

Joe glanced down. "Not really. No."

"Then...why don't you stay at my place? It's not far from here."

Joe's heart skipped like a broken record. He'd heard this song before, repeated constantly through his mind. In the end, they all wanted one thing. For once couldn't someone be different? He turned away abruptly. "Leave." he said, his voice void of all emotion.

"Joe...?"

"I SAID LEAVE!!" He shouted.

Tears....or maybe it was raining again? Or maybe it was just raining on his face. In the back of his mind, he wondered what the boy's face looked like. Was he heartbroken? Was he relieved? Or maybe he didn't care…

…Or maybe he did. A hand tugged him around, and lips crushed into his. His eyes widened, before pressing together, tight enough to break. He remembered this; this feeling of being dominated over, the roughness, clammy hands, forbidding stature. He could let this happen. It was bound to anyway, right? It always came down to this. He felt himself giving in, dissolving more and more, deeper...deeper...

The boy pulled away, his hands tightening around Joe.

"I'm not leaving. I've been an idiot before, and selfish, and maybe I'm even being selfish right now. But I'm not leaving here without you, Joe. I won't..." He lowered his head, resting it on both of Joe's hearts. Why was this so familiar? The racing heart, his entire body shivering just from the sheer joy of being wanted, and the way he was shaking from every corner of his body; It was unbelievable.

"How do I know you're real," Joe murmured.

The boy pulled away until the two were facing each other. He tentatively reached for Joe's hands, holding them tightly. He slowly lifted them to his chest and placed them right above the heart that beat fervently below.

"It's still beating, isn't it?" He cocked his head, giving a shy smile.

Joe could swear his own heart stopped. "I won't sleep with you..." he whispered.

The boy nodded."I didn't expect you to. I just...."

"Wanted me to stay?" Joe interrupted with a small grin, one that was met with a slightly bigger one.

The boy stood, offering his hand to Joe.

"Wait...I..." Joe said. "Your name…"

"Oh! Of course. I'm surprised you didn't ask before...."

"...You...you didn't really matter before."

"Do I matter now?" The boy's eyes flickered. Was he nervous? Joe let out a soft laugh.

"More than you should." Joe said.

Their eyes locked.

"It's Kevin."

Their smiles locked.

Kevin's hands reached out again, and Joe found himself staring. This was too familiar. Nick had reached out for him in a similar fashion before. And Joe had believed that those hands would always be there. What would he do when there were no more hands that would offer him warmth? He reached up hesitantly, pulling back a few times. Finally, he took a deep breath...and reached up, clasping Kevin's hands.

All he could do was hold on for dear life.


End file.
